Carlton Epsom and Me

Carlton Epsom may well become a mean and nasty character in a future book, but right at the moment I never want to hear the name again... It's been one of those weekends that honestly could only happen to me.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...

We, The Toyboy Trucker and I (re-united again!), had planned a weekend with Elle and The Doctor. We were going to forget all about me editing TWTAWH and him starting yet another newly-elevated job on Monday morning. We were going out shopping with them on Saturday to buy them a new bed for their new house as our house-warming present, then on Sunday we were all off to London for lunch with The Doctor's parents. A lovely, family weekend...

Sooo - on Saturday, we trailed round every furniture shop in four counties. Elle wasn't taken with any of the 23 million beds we looked at... She then announced that she remembered she'd seen "just the one they wanted" on a certain well-known furniture shop's website. Off we trotted (another cross-country trek) to the aforementioned store - and yes, the bed (the Carlton Epsom) was one they stocked, but not in-store - on t'internet only as it was hand-built to order...

With The Toyboy Trucker muttering that only Elle could find a hand-built must-have bed and it had always been the same with her, she could never settle for anything off-the-shelf even as a child, and then started on about the designer wedding dress that cost more than our first house and things were getting a bit fraught, we changed the subject back to volcanic ash (again) and politics (again) as these were much safer topics - and hurried back to Elle and The Doctor's house and t'internet.

And - yes! - there it was! The Carlton Epsom! As Elle provided refreshments, and The Toyboy Trucker and The Doctor discussed football and F1 and volcanic ash and politics, I snuggled-up to their laptop and tapped in all the complex details, mine as payee and Elle's as recipient, on several lengthy online forms and pressed the "buy now" button. Nothing happened for ages then I got a "sorry - page not loading - invalid order" message.

So, I tried again and again and again and again.... Each attempt took ages. Still nothing. The page wouldn't load and the whole thing was rejected over and over and over... However, there was a phone number to place orders verbally. So I tried. Sadly, there wouldn't be anyone there until Monday morning... As we'd then spent longer trying to order the Carlton Epsom online than we had trailing round the bloody bed shops, I was beginning to wish Elle and The Doctor would settle for a futon or a sleeping bag or even the damn bed they've already got...

As soon as The Toyboy Trucker and I got home I thought I'd just try one more online order attempt in case the problem was with Elle and The Doctor's computer - but no, the site still wouldn't accept my order. So, deciding to leave it until Monday morning when I could speak to a Real Person and place my order, I forgot all about Carlton Epsom.

Sunday dawned gloriously warm and sunny, and knowing the sort of fabulous hospitality we'd receive at The Doctor's parents' house, I made an early-morning sortie to the shops for visitor-gifts of posh flowers, chocs and wine... I got to the check out, realised I didn't have enough cash, so used my debit card - which was immediately humiliatingly rejected in front of a queue of people loaded with barbecue goodies and knowing grins... As this was clearly turning into "one of those weekends" I negotiated (slowly) with the check-out-boy and raked up enough cash for the flowers and chocs and had to abandon the wine and everyone behind me was getting pretty unpleasant...

Once home again, I rang my bank, demanding to know why my card had been refused. A very perky lady told me it was due to "insufficient funds". Well - I got pretty uppity I can tell you. The Toyboy Trucker has just been paid, I've just had more German royalties (yay!) and for once I knew the bank was wrong. And I said so in my most-exasperated voice. The perky lady asked if I'd like her to check my recent activities. After a moment's hesitation while I completely misinterpreted the question, I said yes, of course, but I knew down to the very last penny what we'd spent in the past week or so...

'Well' she said, still perkily, 'there's a payment pending of XXXX thousand pounds to XYZ furniture store for 6 online orders...."

I screamed... A lot. Noooo! SIX orders! I'd ordered SIX Carlton Epsom beds! Each time I'd tried to order online and the page had assured me it had been rejected, it hadn't!!!! Each order had gone through... And somehow, our bank account was about to relieved of all the money we'd just been paid plus far more money than we actually possessed and Elle and The Doctor were going to get enough beds to start a small hotel...

Sucking desperately on my electronic cigarette (really effective by-the-way), and hoping to God that The Toyboy Trucker was still immersed in Jensen's progress in the Chinese Grand Prix and not listening, I whimpered and asked the perky lady what I could do... She perkily informed me that I'd entered into a legally binding agreement the minute I'd pressed the buy button. My only recourse was to contact the furniture store and explain the situation and hope they were sympathetic... And of course, the furniture store was closed to telephone calls until first thing on Monday morning...

So, off we went to London and had a fabulous day with The Doctor's family eating an al fresco Indian banquet while I hoped we wouldn't need to use the debit card and panicked and wondered if there was ever going to be a right moment to mention to The Toyboy Trucker that I'd just spent all our hard-earned money and then some on SIX Carlton Epsoms, or to Elle that she better start clearing out several more rooms and setting up a B&B sign...

And this morning, after a sleepless night, I nervously rang the furniture store. And, oh joy! They were brilliant! Not only did they see the funny side (something I'd failed to do for 48 hours) but they assured me that all six Carlton Epsoms were firmly cancelled, my money was safe, and starting afresh we ordered one Carlton Epsom - just the one - to be hand-crafted and delivered to Elle and The Doctor in 30 days time...

And now I've told the bank, and they laughed (oh yeah - very funny...) and reinstated my money and I'm never, never, never going to order anything online EVER again... Oh, and if anyone mentions the words Carlton Epsom anytime soon I'll definitely spit.