I really, really thought I'd lost at least 4 lbs this week and was almost at lovely Overweight, and nearly ready to slither into the scarlet silk mother-of-the-bride frock - but no. No! No!! No!!!
I stepped on to the scales full of anticipation. Pah! One measly pound! One! Off - not on - but even so... Okay, I know the post-charity-walk hot choc and crumpets probably didn't help, but I'd walked for miles, and since then I've practically lived on homemade lentil soup... It's sooo disappointing.
Our Weight Watchers leader suggested I should cut down on my portion sizes. I snarled. I've gone down three plate sizes already. I absolutely refuse to eat from a saucer. She then suggested I did more exercise. Hah! I already walk 4 miles a day and do half an hour of dance exercises in the morning and I hula-hoop - a lot. How much more exercise can a girl do when she's got a pub to work in, and cats to look after, and a family to irritate, and a book to write, I ask you. Well, I asked her, actually. She smiled thinly (everything about her is thin) and said she thought cheese might be the problem.
Cheese is not a problem. Cheese is my lifeblood. I'm a vegetarian. Take away the cheese and what's left? She suggested the low-fat variety (I've tried it - it's like plastic and it doesn't melt) or a very thin sliver of eye-wateringly strong cheese just for the flavour. I explained that I LOVE strong cheese, the stronger the better. A thin sliver would merely whet the appetite, tempt the taste buds, drive me insane with desire, encourage me to eat the entire block. She sighed (thinly) and said I'd have to be prepared to make sacrifices...
I've made sacrifices. I've given up Toblerones. I've given up drinking. I've given up damn near everything. I WILL NOT give up cheese.
On the plus side - I have lost 5lbs in 3 weeks, which is nearly half a stone and therefore sounds like a lot. But it doesn't look any different and the m-o-t-b frock still doesn't meet round my chest or my bottom. Elle suggested I wear red underwear and a long coat. The Toyboy Trucker just sniggered unhelpfully and said no-one would be surprised to catch glimpses of me escaping from my clothes and why change the habits of a lifetime.
I'm now sulking - and fantasising about cheese...